I am so afraid of moving. I am so afraid of taking another step, terrified of moving forward. I feel like a child once more. I am like a toddler just starting to learn how to walk. I have the same feelings that I had when I was about to stand on my own legs. Only this time there is no one to guide me, no one to catch me when I fall or to hold my arms to straighten me up. Hopelessly, I have no more eagerness to take these first steps. I simply want the world to stop, my world to stop. For once, I want to see everything still, no movement or change.
I am so afraid of moving forward. I don’t want to take another step, afraid of not knowing where it leads, afraid of what I would turn into. I want to live only at this very moment and never take a second more beyond it.


-February 16, 2001 (a relapse every now and then)